My Story

Throughout my life I have struggled with being overweight. I was always the chubby girl out at recess trying to keep up with other kids. While I had lots of friends growing up, I never really felt truly comfortable. I went through life not being okay with myself. When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw, so I let that affect all other aspects of my life. I felt worthless. Like I was good for NOTHING. Why would anyone want to be my friend, date me, or even be my teacher when I was just the awkward chubby girl? I kept this state of mental abuse towards myself up for so many years, it was just a normal routine through out my schooling.

After a string of hurtful incidents with high school bullies that left me insecure and depressed, and a toxic relationship that followed me into college- I was not only chubby, I was becoming obese. With my 5 foot 6 inch frame, I clocked in at 215 pounds. I coped with my feelings towards my life the only way I knew how: food! (And lots of it). I would come home from school after dealing with mean high school girls, and eat a whole tub of cookie dough. BY MYSELF. Food was my coping mechanism, and it was the only way I thought I could survive that environment.

As I grew bigger and bigger, I became more depressed. I was unhealthy and unhappy. The bad place I was in mentally isn't even describable in words. It scares me to think about what type of place I would be in now if I had not had a breakthrough. I thank God everyday for the wake up calls that came at this point that caused me to change my life.

In high school, I was in the top "show" choir that got to travel around and perform. Every girl wore a uniform- a red gown. My first wake up call came when I could no longer fit into my dress to perform. The night before a competition, I tried on my dress just to make sure it still fit. I tried and tried AND TRIED to get it to zip up all the way but it just wouldn't. I was mortified. My mother had to end up buying me another red dress at JCPenney's late that night. We took the fabric from that dress, and put it where the zipper would not zip in the back. We then styled my hair so that you couldn't see the mess of two dresses on the back of my gown. I was so embarrassed. I kept on thinking "Why me?", "Why was I born this way?" The amount of shame I felt still makes me cry to this day.

My second wake up call was when my obesity started to directly affect my health and well being. When I started college, I couldn't walk up one flight of stairs without being out of breath. My family doctor told me that my weight was making my blood pressure way too high. My highest blood pressure that I ever read was 142/85. I talked with my family about one day having to go on medications, and it scared the crap out of me! Finally, my eye doctor had to test me for glaucoma- a disease that can cause blindness. In young patients, glaucoma can be onset by being extremely overweight. The thought of becoming blind all because of my weight, once again made me so ashamed. I couldn't believe that I had done this to myself. I started to think about the future that was ahead of me if I kept down this path. Blood pressure medicine, potentially going blind, not being capable to walk long distances or climb stairs, and almost certain diabetes.

My final wake up call came in December of 2010. I was staying with my family over Christmas break, back from my first semester of college. My before photo was actually taken on this day. My little sister, Erin, is probably the most important person in the world to me. I love her so much. To me she is still a little baby that needs her big sister to protect her, and I will probably always see her that way. (Sorry Erin!) While on break, Erin asked me to go shopping with her at the Topeka mall. I found myself making excuses to not go with her. Mostly because I was embarrassed about my weight. Embarrassed someone would see me, embarrassed I wouldn't be able to fit into any of the clothes in American Eagle... I felt horrible about lying to her, but having to face my weight in a public place was just too daunting of a task. I started to realize that if I didn't change, this is what the rest of my life would be like. Always scared to just live life.  If I was willing to blow off the most important person to me because of my weight, what other parts of life was I going to have to give up in the future? I decided to not let my weight affect my life like that anymore!

When I went back to college for the spring semester, I decided to change. I first decided to get to the root of the problem. Why had I gained so much weight in the first place? Because I was unhappy, and the only way I knew how to deal with that was through food. I then took all the things that made me unhappy and cut them out of my life. I cut of ties with my ex-boyfriend, quit seeing mean friends (who were never actually my friends), switched majors, and switched universities for the next year! I realized my happiness was the most important thing in my life, and if I ever wanted to be healthy these were all necessary changes.

I then made very small changes over a long period of time with my eating and exercise. I started out going to the gym for 25 minutes a day, and switching my daily chicken strips and pasta to a salad and sandwich. After 2 weeks I had lost 5 pounds! I stuck with it, and kept getting awesome results. Some weeks were really hard, and I didn't lose any weight at all. But I knew that if I kept doing the work, I would eventually lose it all. After a year and a half, I finally reached my goal weight of 125. I lost 90 pounds! My blood pressure is now that of an athlete- 95/68, and my chance of developing glaucoma has completely gone away! I now work out for about 1.5 to 2 hours a day. And I ENJOY IT. I love being fit. Running, biking, swimming, lifting, etc...I love it all! I also eat extremely healthy, and love the way it makes me feel. I no longer feel the need to eat a ton of junk food, because I am satisfied with how amazing the nutrients from healthy food makes me feel. I am also more aware of my happiness! I'm not afraid to kick the negativity out of my life. If something ever causes me so much unhappiness that it affects my health- it's just not worth it! I have come too far in changing my life to let something make me unhappy.

Although my journey was very emotional and painful at times, I'm so glad I had the courage to start. I would not take it back for one second! It made me the person I am today- and I FINALLY love that person. I have meaningful, positive relationships in my life with great people that support me. Because of my experience I have the compassion to see people for who they really are, regardless of looks. And I just enjoy life to the fullest! Nothing holds me back from being my happiest anymore!